Sunday, January 08, 2006
Yes....Mr Biscuit managed to wake me up to reply with a "monkey nodding continuously - YA" before i was soooooo tired that I went back to my pig sty and continue pigging away...
Then i forced myself to wake up for dinner. Grandma bought extra chicken rice from this stall at Chinatown, very nice... haven't eaten chicken rice like for years cause it leaves and after taste in your mouth, and if I'm gonna talk or practice my sax, there will be this lingering smell...eeee
So was chatting with Mr. Biscuit over the MSN. He stayed home like the whole day today! Oh my god, it's amazing to still see guys who are so family oriented! I like! hahahahahaha
Shared with him that my mum passed away since I was 7 or 8. It really brings back memories when I talk about her. It's very sad that I can no longer remember her face nor her smell, her voice nor her gestures, her smile and everything, and i guess most importantly, the taste of her homecook dishes filled with love.
I only remembered she left two ETs for me and my brother. My brother took the bigger one cause he's elder, I took the smaller one. ET has always been sleeping with me after she was gone. I don't hug it, I just let it watch over me by my head. Then I had this blanket left by her, preparing to wash it again when i move. Now it's lying on my study chair...hahaha disclosing the messiness of my room already...
I was mentioning that as much as I missed her, I'm also glad that she isn't around, for I wouldn't be so independent as I will be now. But Biscuit was saying he thought otherwise, that I may have been able to pick up cooking from her if she's around.
Yar, the only skill I lack of currently should be cooking. Did all the washing, ironing, household cleaning and stuff so.... left cooking....but even if i can cook, there's nobody to appreciate... *sob sob sob sob* I guess just leave it to fate, such stuff can't be forced anyway.
Which certainly reminded me of Sean as well. Think he has changed greatly. As Ah Mei was commenting, it was for greater good to myself being able to put down and move on. Yong was sharing with us that one of his friend's gf attempted suicide by drinking pesticide and she finally died 3 weeks after though she only wanted to scare her in-understanding parents. This is so sad, it wasn't that she wanted to die........*a min of silence*
I knew I was suffering from depression after my broke up of the first relationship. I was perhaps living in denial all the while, pretending to be someone I'm not. So with Sean, it became worst as emotionally I really relied on him alot. So it was really a very very harsh blow on me when he wanted to break up after being together for 3yrs 8 mths..... *no tears liaoz leh*
I'm not embarassed to admit that, ya, I had suicide thoughts and did attempt suicide but I didn't commit it. I guess I am still able to rationalise my own actions. But through these 2 relationships, I certainly matured alot alot alot. I'm beginning to embrace myself, accepting and loving myself more everyday. Understanding the world doesn't evolve around me. I need to be versatile and adaptable to changes and embracing changes for a better future......
What has past is past & the good ones have became memories that remains in our hearts for us to recall. For the bad experiences, they will also remain as memories, but only to remind us of our mistakes and preventing us from repeating the same old mistakes again... This is life and I'm accepting & embracing it....
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