Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Groushiest Xmas ever in 23 years of life... booo
24th Eve,
Not bad dinner @ the bean plants dad's family place. Got bombarded with questions, more like interrogration. Forced to place Autumn Leaves when I made myself clear I DUNNO how to play jazz piano, I write for Big Bands. Bloody deaf pple.
Sorry sweetie, I know u're reading it but I really need to get this off by blah-ing all out in my blog.
Pretentous asking about my background, pui, superbly non sincere and fake. I can tell, pls I NOT STUPID! But what to do? As much as I was informed, I didn't know it was this bad.
Went mid-night mask, stood in my boots for an hour and half. Listening to bullshit that I totally do not agree ( i'm not against the religion, I'm against the stupidity of blind followers who do not question) Choir is seriously poor when it's mike up, not what I ever heard and understood of a church choir. It made me miss Min and Candy immediately. I see pple falling asleep, being there for the sake of being there, one stupid boy playing and hopping around the solemn atmosphere. Pple putting legs on cushion it should be used for kneeling. I don't know why I am there with you at the point of time sweetie, I actually wanted to leave 10min after it started. I just don't feel belong to the place.
I never understood pple praying for peace when there'll never be one for every human being is selfish.
I never understood pple wasting food when millions in the world are starving. I waste food too and always feel guilty and ashamed of myself.
I never understood why do churches need so much money to refurninsh when the $ can go to help the poor and poorer.
I never understood why God took my mother away and left me with a sad childhood yet still feel fortunate over others who don't even have parents or are abandoned by them.
I never understood the meaning of Xmas, to bring glory , blah blah to the "king" when he doesn't need any as he isn't as shallow as human being, if not how he be king?
I never understood why natural disasters happen everyday over the world killing so many who believe so much in him and pray for good life.
Pouquor (why in french) so many whys I ask but nobody or very few can provide an adequate logical answers.
I never understood why ang mos or foreigners are better than local singaporeans.
I never understood why am I suppose to play like Mozart when I'm not Mozart and I don't have his kind of touch, size of hands etc.
I never understood why should I go to hell if I do not go to church.
I never understood why if I go to church, I need to give 20% of what I earn to God when he doesn't need any money. Why not give 20% to the blind guy playing not so bad music in the underground MRT and tell him to give thanks to God? Isn't it more meaningful than buying stationary for the church?
Why huh Why huh Why huh????
Never ever bring me to church anymore. If I have to go, I would choose the New Creations church where the pastor is wise preach wisdom of God and not just what is written in the bible.
25th Xmas itself
Slept about 4am on Eve, had to wake up like 10:30 to prepare and reach the bean plan'ts eldest bro place by 12. Quarrelled about religious stuff before we reached and wa la! I totally lost my appetite and am tired. Think his mum saw I was acting weird and got worried. Plus, they caught us leaving early yet arriving the same time they reached home and I was walking sulking a big distance away from the bean plant.
So I was left crying on his bed and seriously thinking we're just not suitable for each other. Msging meow and was touched by her concern. We're fine for the moment, FOR THE MOMENT, or Time being, but sighz, I just felt stupid for landing myself in another relationship going through all the "I don't have time of my own" blah blah issues. Stupid quarrels. Though the good times spent were definitely more than the bad ones but...
sighz... it's just me. stupid me. I think after the previous relationship, I emotionally weaker as compared to the past. Fuck myself.
Was coughing, sneezing and had mild fever. Very very nice of the bean plant's mum to ask if I was ok. She was really concern. And the mother side family was at his eldest bro's place, they were all super nice. Met them during their grandma's 80th birthday. Sincere, understanding and warm. Drastic difference from the night b4. =)
The bean plant was very nice. It just isn't your fault ok sweetie. It's just me. He panicked when he knew I caught up with fever. Brought me to kino to buy my comics and ate nice mos burger after a whole day of me refusing to eat.
It's the 5th time I said: "I AM TIRED". for my own reference too. When he only said it once. Sighz... but I'm tired, I dunno why I just feel tired. Bout life, bout school, bout work. I really dunno my purpose in life. Live and die, a little stupid. Actually is very stupid. ARGH
I think I should turn to understand buddhism than christ. It certainly makes more sense comparatively. I'm very veggie friendly and I don't eat pork. Maybe turn Muslim.
Wonder how Shaari spent his Xmas in hospital. Hope he's getting better. Must find some time to head down and visit him.
Grouchy xmas. I'm the Grouch, the green ugly monster.
Sorry I gave u a bad Xmas too...
Maybe u're just too insentive to understand "Just the two of us"...
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